What if chastity meant learning to love better?

More than just a rule

When Nazarena first heard about chastity, she thought she knew what it meant: “not having sex until marriage”. To her, it was little more than a rule Catholics had to follow. Over time, that definition began to feel too narrow.

Today, Nazarena Garay, 27, from Lima, Peru, speaks about chastity from her own experience. She is an anthropologist and is studying marketing. Together with her boyfriend, she is developing a social media project to support young people who want to learn to love with greater maturity, freedom and responsibility.

Discovering that chastity is more than a prohibition

At one point in her life, Nazarena was in relationships in which she had sex before marriage. Looking back, she recognises that those experiences affected how she related to her body, understood her dignity and saw the love she deserved. She came to think of chastity as a religious façade or a way of controlling people’s relationships.

Her experience of faith helped her discover another perspective. When she decided to live chastity, she realised that it was about more than saying “no” to certain actions. It meant learning a new way of looking at love.

She made that decision on 10 December 2021, in the presence of Jesus in the Eucharist. She lived chastity while single until 2024, and then had to learn to live it within a relationship. That is where she discovered something important: chastity also means learning to care for the other person’s heart, body and journey through life.

This experience connects with question 67 of YOUCAT Love Forever: “Does dating someone mean losing my freedom?” For Nazarena, learning to live chastity has been closely linked to discovering that loving someone does not mean giving up her freedom.

Loving also means caring

In their relationship, Nazarena and her boyfriend try to ask what truly serves the other person’s good. When they first started dating, they even wrote down some guidelines. They identified situations that might be difficult and came up with their own “help buttons”: practical ways of preparing for those moments and caring for each other.

They wanted to get to know each other better and make conscious decisions, without letting fear shape their relationship.

They also discovered that boundaries extend beyond physical intimacy. A boundary can be as ordinary as deciding when to end a phone call because one of them has work or classes the next day.

“It’s late. Get some rest. We can talk more tomorrow” can also be an expression of love.

And when one person needs to say “that’s my limit”, the other person’s response matters. For Nazarena, knowing that her boundaries will be respected without pressure, anger or manipulation has built trust in their relationship.

“A boundary is not a rejection. It can be a practical way of saying, ‘I love you, and that’s why I care for you.’”

What about sexual desire?

Talking about chastity does not mean denying sexual desire. Nazarena does not present her experience as a formula for making difficulties disappear, but as a journey of learning how to respond to them.

In moments of temptation, she and her boyfriend try to return to a simple question: “What matters more than a moment of pleasure?” This helps them remember the kind of relationship they want to build and what it means to seek each other’s good.

Waiting does not mean loving “half-heartedly”, either. On the contrary, waiting has opened up other ways of being close: talking, listening, praying, serving others, sharing projects, surprising each other and having fun together.

Nazarena also speaks about the creativity that grows when a relationship does not revolve around physical intimacy. Dating can become a time to get to know each other in different ways and discover who the person in front of you really is.

If you want to explore this further, you can turn to pages 58–61 of YOUCAT Love Forever. They offer a reflection on sexuality as something that involves the whole person, and on the importance of seeing the other person with respect for their freedom and dignity.

Learning to live in freedom

Perhaps the word that comes up most often in Nazarena’s testimony is freedom.

She admits that, for a long time, she confused being free with doing whatever she felt like at the time. Chastity helped her discover another possibility: we are also free when we can say “no” to something we desire because we have chosen a good we consider greater.

That is also why she does not want her boyfriend to stay with her out of obligation, dependence or because physical intimacy keeps them together. She wants him to be able to choose her freely, just as she can choose him.

In her experience, chastity has changed the question. It is no longer just “How far can we go?” but “How can we love each other better?”

When setting a boundary is also an act of love

For Nazarena, learning to live chastity has also meant learning to accept the other person’s boundaries without seeing them as rejection.

In their relationship, either of them can say “that’s my limit” and know that the other will respect it without pressure, anger or manipulation. Sometimes, simply changing their surroundings, going for a walk, getting an ice cream or finding another activity to enjoy together is enough.

This learning extends to small, everyday situations: respecting each other’s need for sleep, knowing when to end a conversation and making sure the relationship does not take over every part of life.

That is why Nazarena believes it is important to talk about boundaries before a difficult situation arises. When they first started dating, she and her boyfriend wrote down some guidelines and identified together what could help them. These were a way to get to know and care for each other better, rather than simply a list of prohibitions.

Being in love does not mean we already know how to love

There is something else Nazarena has discovered along the way: being in love does not automatically mean we know how to love.

That is why learning about the faith, prayer, community and guidance have played an important part in their relationship. So have conversations with other couples, including married couples with more experience. For her, asking for help means recognising that learning to love takes time; it does not mean that a relationship is going badly.

This is precisely why YOUCAT Love Forever became a practical resource for Nazarena and her boyfriend. They found it while looking for resources to discuss subjects that are not always easy to talk about as a couple: love, sexuality, chastity and discernment — seeking to understand the right path to take. The book gave them a shared language for asking questions and making more thoughtful decisions.

If you want to explore this further, turn to question 25 of YOUCAT Love Forever: “People tell me I should find a spiritual director. What is that?” It can help you consider whom you could talk to about your relationship, your questions and the decisions you are making.

Free to love

Nazarena does not present her story as a formula for other couples. Her journey has been personal: there were wounds, decisions, a conversion in her understanding of love, and then the challenge of learning to live that conviction within a relationship.

For her, chastity has meant learning to set boundaries, respecting the other person’s pace, discovering new forms of intimacy and no longer measuring love by how much someone is willing to give physically. It has also meant accepting that loving well requires learning, conversation, prayer and, sometimes, guidance.

Perhaps this is also a good way to approach chastity: begin by asking what kind of love you want to learn to live, as well as what you need to abstain from.

For Nazarena, the answer has gradually taken shape: “Chastity did not take away my ability to love. It taught me that I, too, deserved a love that would not hurt me.”