How do you forgive in a relationship? Healing hurts and learning to trust again

What does forgiveness really mean?

When someone you love hurts you, do you find it hard to say how you feel because you are afraid a difficult conversation might drive you apart?

Early in their relationship, Santi Burbano and his wife, Tati, also found it difficult to express what was hurting them. Afraid that talking about their wounds might drive them apart, they preferred to let some things slide. Over time, they discovered that facing those conversations helped them understand each other better. “We’ve had very difficult conversations that called for a lot of self-awareness and understanding. And that has made us much stronger,” they share.

Acknowledging a wound is the first step toward healing it. Forgiveness does not mean denying what happened or convincing yourself that something did not hurt. It means facing the situation honestly and looking for a way forward.

In YOUCAT Love Forever, “Does forgiveness also have limits?” (p. 197) reminds us that two imperfect people can hurt each other and need to learn to forgive. That process is not always immediate: it can take time, conversation, and patience.

Forgiveness takes time

Not every wound heals at the same pace. One person may be ready to reconcile while the other still needs to understand what happened and put their pain into words. Insisting that everything return to normal right away can create more distance instead of closing the gap.

Santi and Tati have learned to give each other space, without expecting sadness or anger to disappear in an instant. This connects with “Ten Steps to Reconciliation” (pp. 198–199), where YOUCAT Love Forever invites readers to listen without interrupting, share their hurt instead of making accusations, and give each other the time they need to begin again.

In practice, it may be enough to say, “I want to understand what hurt you. We don’t have to sort everything out right now, but I’d like us to be able to talk about it.” Listening does not mean agreeing with everything. It means taking the other person’s experience seriously.

Trust, too, does not return after a single conversation. It is rebuilt gradually, through concrete, consistent actions that show the change is real.

Forgiveness is also a way of being faithful

It is easier to care for a relationship when everything is going well. The challenge comes with arguments, disappointments, and differences that seem to surface again and again. What does it mean, then, to choose the same person every day?

In “How is it possible to remain faithful to one person and love that person for an entire lifetime?” (p. 172), YOUCAT Love Forever presents faithfulness as something lived day by day: reaching out first after an argument, accepting the other person’s weaknesses, encouraging them, and seeking their good even when life together is difficult.

For Santi and Tati, seeing marriage as a lifelong commitment helps them keep conflicts in perspective. Disagreements do not have to be a final verdict on the relationship’s future.

The question «How can I promise to be faithful “in good times and in bad” when I don’t know how difficult those times will be (alcohol, drugs, infidelity)?» (p. 173) addresses the uncertainty that comes with commitment. We cannot predict every difficulty. YOUCAT Love Forever explains that a man and a woman consciously accept the uncertainty of the future “because they know that God is at their side.” It also offers this encouragement: “you will remain faithful with God’s help.” Looking for ways to face difficulties and asking for help when needed are part of that trust. Faithfulness does not mean there will never be conflict. Love also shows itself in the way we work through it.

Forgiving does not mean accepting everything

Forgiving does not mean justifying what happened, playing down the harm, or accepting that it will happen again. You can forgive while also recognizing that a behavior was wrong and needs to change.

Santi and Tati have learned to acknowledge their own mistakes without ignoring what has hurt them. Humility allows us to look at the other person with mercy, but it does not require us to minimize what happened or take responsibility for someone else’s actions.

In “If God wants us to be happy, why would we have to endure an unhappy marriage?” (p. 174), YOUCAT Love Forever first encourages spouses to “do everything you can to save it, including getting professional help.” But it is clear that, in cases of violence and abuse, “you are not obliged to keep living together.” For these situations, the Church accepts a “separation from bed and board” (p. 197)—that is, living apart—to protect the more vulnerable person. Even so, the book reminds us: “that doesn’t mean an end to your marriage” (p. 174). The safety and protection of the person affected come first. Forgiveness must never be used to pressure someone into staying in a harmful situation.

If you are experiencing violence or abuse—physical, psychological, sexual, or financial—forgiving does not mean staying. No one has to endure violence to prove they know how to love. Your safety comes first: if you are in danger, call the emergency services (112 in the European Union) or a support line for victims in your country, and speak to someone you trust: a priest, a family counselor, or a qualified professional.

Who takes the first step?

After an argument, it is easy to wait for the other person to reach out or apologize. But if both people are waiting for the same thing, the silence can drag on.

For Santi and Tati, either person can take the initiative, whatever part they played in the conflict. Reaching out takes humility and a willingness to remember that the relationship matters more than winning an argument.

That does not mean taking all the blame. It means asking what you can do to open up a conversation: acknowledging a mistake, expressing a desire to make things right, or suggesting a time to talk calmly. This applies to disagreements within a healthy relationship. Where there is violence or abuse, it is not the hurt person’s responsibility to take the initiative; their priority is to protect themselves and seek help.

The “Ten Steps to Reconciliation” in YOUCAT Love Forever (pp. 198–199) invite readers to recognize their own frailty in the other person’s weakness and to allow themselves to be vulnerable. Sometimes saying, “I don’t want us to go on like this. Can we talk?” can open a door that pride had kept shut.

Praying together can help, too

Santi and Tati pray together before going to bed. This helps them avoid ending the day angry and place themselves before God, even when there are still things to work through.

Prayer does not replace an overdue conversation, a sincere apology, or the changes that need to be made. It can, however, help us approach conflict with humility and ask for the strength to reach out to each other.

The ninth of the “Ten Steps to Reconciliation” (p. 199) puts it this way: “Pray for the Holy Spirit of reconciliation. Pray as if everything depends on God, and act as if everything depends on you.”

What about you?

There is no one-size-fits-all solution: every couple has its own path. But forgiveness in a relationship takes time, truth, and patience. It does not always mean settling everything in a single conversation or immediately trusting again. Sometimes the first step is to stop avoiding what hurts and dare to talk about it with love.

The next time a disagreement leaves you waiting for the other person to make the first move, ask yourself: What can I do to open a path toward reconciliation without denying what hurt me or giving up my boundaries?

Want to explore this further? Discover YOUCAT Love Forever—especially “Does forgiveness also have limits?” and “Ten Steps to Reconciliation”—and continue the conversation in a YOUCAT study group.

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